stevensonn .

yeah. okay.

And I’m still putting everyone’s happiness before mine. I’d still rather them happy even though it means I’m broken. It would kill me to see you in the amount of pain I’m in.

I just need it all gone.

I don’t need people that won’t fight for me. I don’t need anyone that won’t even try. I don’t need that. My feelings matter. If I’m upset I should be able to talk it out. I should never have to keep my opinions to myself because I’m judged. I should be able to talk to someone. I shouldn’t pretend things are good because you don’t want to hear me. I shouldn’t be crying because of any of it. I shouldn’t be here alone having to deal with this. I shouldn’t even be dealing with this. It shouldn’t have to be a choice. I’m not suppose to compete for someone to love me. For someone to care. I shouldn’t have to buy love. I don’t deserve to be a secret. I don’t need to have anyone who’s ashamed of me in my life. I’m not anything to be ashamed of. I’m no ones secret.

I’m tired. I’m sick of crying all day. Crying myself to sleep. Waking up to cry. I can’t go outside because my face is swollen. I’m just tired of it.
I hate seeing anything and thinking about how good things were. And it all makes me sad all over again. I’m sick of thinking about everything and getting pissed off I ignored the signs. That I waiting three years to make a decision that should have been mad three weeks in. I hate that I feel so broken. That I can’t move with out crying for thirty minutes. I based so much of my happiness on one person and now I can’t be alone. I can’t deal with this. I don’t want to go through this, it’s not fair. It’s not fair that its me that’s hurt. It’s not fair that no ones day skips a beat and my weekend was screwed. I can’t be this empty. I don’t get how I’m the only one that has any feeling. I want someone to be upset I’m not around. I want to be missed. I want you to fight. Prove you care. That I mean something!
That’s how I know you don’t. And it makes me mad I’m sad about it when I already knew.

What’s the point in feeling bad anymore. Like why cry over people that won’t even second guess losing you? People who at the start didn’t want anything but sex. Why would you think that would change. Why would I think I was the girl people would change for? Then get mad they don’t… Why would I even expect anyone to give me the amount of love that I give them? I couldn’t even ask someone to be there when shit is really bad, but I expected someone to care. Like I must one of the most stupid people on the planet. I’ve been apart of a game. Just for his amusement. So he can be a big shot with his friends. Then what? You’re 24 how long until you realize that’s not cool. That’s something 15-21 year olds do. That you’ll never find a person to actually be with that way.
Part of me wants to wish you end up hurt and alone with no one. Not one person to care for you. Not even a fucking friend.
But I couldn’t even really let that happen. I want you happy. It pains me to even want that because you don’t deserve it. But you should be happy. You should find a person that you think is up to your standards. And be really happy.

Hate waking up in this mood. So down & feeling like its not even worth it to get up. Being in such a funk is a horrible feeling. I’m tired of having my days ruined because I’m too said to move or something. Then I get in this place where I feel so alone, like there isn’t anyone to talk to and that makes things worse. I’m just sad and alone all the time. Because I made it that way, I picked someone to share so much with and left everyone else behind. I never cared to keep up friendships. So when shit goes down I’m stuck. To feel horrible by myself. And it’s just too much, I just need too feel safe. And now what? What’s gained from spending three years with me, going through all that stuff. What did you seriously gain? Did you have fun cheating with every person in your phone book? Was it worth actually trying to build something if you really didn’t care? Did you enjoy the free food that much? That you had to keep it going. Was it worth lying saying after you get a job you move out & it’ll be just us? Was that really needed. But explain to me how you would plan to break it that you were gonna get an apartment with your now girl? That y’all already looked and shit? That you knew what you wanted. What you would have me come when bitches at work? Like I’m a side bitch for you.
Good luck. Hope y’all live happily ever after.

damn billie. im sorry you’re feeling like that. You don’t know how many of those sentences feel like they came out my…

Thanks Ram Noodle.  It’s just so hard to come to terms with. Like I want to believe everything is gonna be better. but I know I’m just not good enough. Like I don’t wanna be there for pity. I just need it better.

Good luck with y’all apartment, your family and y’all life together.

I wish my mom would come home. I don’t want to be alone anymore.

I don’t know how else I could have shown I cared. I’ve been there. I’ve been there way longer then I should have. Through things no one sits through. All because I had a little hope that one day it would be me. It would be nice to overcome all that we have and be strong. Despite the odds. I just had hope for a happy ending. I just want to be considered first. I’ve been here and I’m still a last resort and that’s why it hurts. Why it breaks me down because I really believed what you told me. I thought after all of this I could at least trust you would tell me the truth. That I could believe that the person who had a significant part in my life would tell me the truth. Even if it was bad. I believed I had at least that. I didn’t. I put so much and I got hurt. And I don’t know why. I don’t know why you have so much hatred towards me that you would take it this far. I don’t know why I’m so stupid to believe that a person would really care for me the way you did but didn’t really want me. I don’t know why I’m not good enough for you when I’ve been trying to build all this time. It’s stupid but I actually wanted a future with you. I liked being able to talk about my problems and you always back me up. I like to feel secure around you. I like feeling like you would fight for me when you felt someone was treating me wrong. I liked being safe. I want to feel safe. And it hurts so much more when the person that makes you feel the safest hurts you the most.

“Your action affect people in a lot of ways. Even though you never care. Doesn’t mean that’s everyone else’s attitude. Because you’re cold doesn’t mean people are all the same way. You mean a lot to some people but you made sure those people know you don’t care. Know you don’t have any feeling like they do. You made sure things got good to make it horrible. You can’t hate all the people that try to love you. You can’t decide who’s good enough over who has an empty bed. You can’t say a person has a chance then basically say without saying that they aren’t up to your standards. If things aren’t changing why make people feel worse by keeping this hold over them. Making them feel like in a month or two they can be everything you ever wanted. But then look for an excuse to leave. Say you don’t feel the same. You can’t lose love in a week. Either you lied or you wanted something. You can’t absolutely not care when you’ve seen a person quit on everyone else for you. Actually believe so hard that you care when that wasn’t the case. It was a game. And it hurts when you realize that all this time you were nothing. You sat through so much. And took on so much more than you deserved to realize you’ll never be enough. Then you think back and see every sign was there and you still had hope. Someone you trust with everything doesn’t want to be in your life. And it happens so often your numb to a certain extend. But it still hurts, you still want to be what everyone needs. You just never understand why you’re every single persons last choice. What you’re doing wrong, how you could change things. But that’s not it, you just aren’t the person they want or need. Slowly it all starts to take a toll. You watch everyone happy with a person that’s not you, when they told you they aren’t, and it makes you cold. It breaks you down to a point where it starts feeling like everything is true and it’s no changing it. Everyone will treat you that way and that won’t change.”